I don't have the motivation to do anything. I want to. But I just don't. There are too many thoughts swirling around in my head. I'm too tired. I'm too depressed. I'm too lonely. I watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding tonight. A movie that has always made me laugh and feel good. But tonight I cried. While watching this movie I realized that I can relate to Tula's story on a much deeper level than ever before - in a way I never thought I'd understand. Tonight when she ached because she felt she had to choose between family and love I knew that ache. When she just wanted to run away and elope because it would just be easier, I knew that want. When she felt hopeless because she couldn't find a way to get her family to understand and accept the person she loved, I knew that hopelessness. I knew every emotion she felt on an extremely personal level and I hate that. I hate that I can relate to the story that way. I hate it. I never thought I'd be the one to bring home someone my parents don't approve of. I never thought I'd be in this place.

I watched an episode of Grey's Anatomy today. Not one that aired after the firing of Brooke Smith - in case anyone thought I might have broken down from the boycott. Definitely not. But I watched a rerun. It was the episode with Erica and Callie's first date. It was the episode with Callie's first major freak out and Bailey's talk about embassies and being a fan of the "local cuisine." [Which still makes me LOL hardcore.] It was the episode where Erica secretly watches Callie in the elevator. Yeah. THAT episode. The last one that left me hopeful. The last one that made me squee over their relationship and didn't cause me to throw pillows at the screen and storm around in one of those moods for the rest of the week. Watching it the first time I remember being completely elated. And hopeful. Watching it now was this strange hybrid of nostalgia, heartbreak, and defeat.

A  year later after all that's happened I still get excited when I see them together. My heart still skips a beat when they touch. I still squee when they kiss or make progress. Even when I know exactly what happens. Even though Erica Hahn vanished nearly a year ago. Even though they are characters in a show that I refuse to watch anymore. Even though the storyline was ruined before it was even started. And I have no idea if my love for them will ever die. Probably not. I'm okay with that.

However, I haven't been particularly involved in the Callica world for quite some time. Some would probably believe I've even moved on. I'm telling you now that that is not the case. But life does have to continue through grief. And to be honest, I've got too many other things going on to choose to immerse myself in the emotional quicksand that Callie and Erica are for me. It's far easier to push it aside and ignore it so that the rest of my life can move forward. But damn it. I miss them. I miss what they could have been. I miss what that storyline could have brought to mainstream audiences. And I miss Grey's. I miss what it was for me. I miss the escape it gave. I miss the characters I loved so much. I miss it all... but even feeling all of that I can't wish it didn't happen exactly as it did. I can't wish that things had been different and that Erica Hahn was still on the show because I stumbled, blind and heartbroken, into the best piece of my life as a result of Brooke being fired. Would Love and I have found each other on the message boards without Brookegate? Perhaps. But I'm not willing to take that chance.

So to end my little Callica post I thought I'd post a few of the thoughts that went through my head as I watched.

- My God, I forgot how funny Christina is! [Dermatology episode. Yang quote: "Do you know how much easier our life would be if we could just love lotion?"]
- Aw George was so sweet in this episode! [Episode with little kid who doesn't want surgery. George takes him to see an operation.]
- I forgot how much I liked Callie before the totally fucked up her character.
- BAILEY! I MISS YOU!
- Ugh. Meredith. How much botox can Ellen GET around her mouth?! Seriously.
- Derek. I heart you. I'd go straight for Patrick Dempsey. Maybe. lol
- AW Erica luuuurves Callie!! What potential.......... *insert sad face*
- Fuck. Brooke Smith is fuckin' hott! Why is she married to a guy.....................? It's GOT to be a cover.....

Facts of the moment:

- I hate the distance. I wish there was some way to merge my life here with my life there.
- I'm blessed with roommates who accept me exactly as I am, with whom I can discuss my relationship openly. I love this.
- I'm frustrated with my parents - my mother in particular - and can't see a way out of the cycle in which we've found ourselves as of late.
- Sometimes when I think about money and how much potential it has to completely devastate my life I panic and think it would be easier not to deal at all and just give up.
- It almost feels as if the whole world is trying to keep me from getting through college and I wish I had been prepared for how emotionally difficult this year would be. I dream of the ignorant bliss I felt the last two years when I thought that just once the world was going to give me a break and let me only worry about making sure I stayed focused in school. Instead of making me worry that I won't make it through school because of some external force in the world.
- I am stuck between wanting to move on with my life and wanting to hang on to every friendship that never meant that much to me anyway.
- I feel that there is absolutely no aspect of my life that I have any control over.
- I want to achieve the goals I've set for myself more than I've ever wanted anything before. I know that I will achieve them. I've never been so sure of anything.
- The lack of decoration in my room is driving me bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
- I can't stop collecting clutter. I collect it in every aspect of my life - relationships included. I can't even go through and delete people from my facebook who I haven't talked to since high school.
- I wish I had the money for a new car.
- I wish tolerance was as infectious as laughter, yawns, and music.
- I'm jealous of all of my friends who are getting engaged, married, and having children.
- I hate that Youtube has ads on their videos now. It fucks up my playlist and generally irritates me.
- I miss Erica and Callie so much it hurts.
- I fall deeper in love every single day.
- It feels like everyone in the whole world is losing weight - easily - besides me. It should be motivating but instead it's extremely discouraging.
- I hate having class at nine in the morning. I can't go to sleep at night so it'd be really nice if I could sleep in the mornings instead.
- I really like my voice teacher this term. But she's only here for this term and that disappoints me.

That's all.

I have a job interview tomorrow!!!! I'm SO excited! I need a job SUPER bad! It's with the Sears Portrait Studio in the neighboring town. It'd be killer if I got the job because, like I said, I need a job. I'm nervous but trying not to let that take over. I've got the whole "relax, be yourself, be confident" mantra playing on loop in my head. It's tomorrow evening so... keep your fingers crossed!! Any extra good karma you've got laying around you want to throw my way would be much appreciated! :D

Hokay, so here's the earth.
On the earth is me. I'm here
Also on the earth is my sister-in-law.














( She's under the cut. )

This meme is pretty simple. You have your categories and blank spots numbered 1-10 in each category. Fill those ten spots with The Brutal Truth. Be honest. Be vulnerable. Be introspective. Be deep. Don't just write anything down. Think about it and be honest with yourself.

( My truths... )

Here are my responses to the photo meme! And this is on-going. If you'd still like to request pictures - or MORE pictures, please do! It's not like I've got anything more valuable to do. [Except dishes....]
( Pictures Under Cut )

Ask me to take pictures of any aspect of my life that you’re interested in or curious about. It can be anything from my favorite shirt to my cell phone. Leave your requests as a comment to this entry, and I’ll snap the pictures and post them as soon as I can.

I stole this from burningeden and Ima steal her note: You can ask for up to three photos. :)

'Kay, so here's a funny story. It falls into the category of things that could only happen to me. But at least it's entertaining? Maybe I'll be able to believe that in a few years when I'm over the trauma.

As the end of this school year draws ever closer, I find myself in my usual reflective state of mind that inevitably accompanies the end of any chapter in life. I'm finding that more of my life changed in the last nine months than ever before and I feel compelled to make a list of the events that were significant this year and just do some general reflecting.

( Cutzies. )

I have the best excuse for missing a concert needed for Concert Attendance ever.

( Story Behind the Cut for Space Saving )

Got this from hot_4_hahn. It could be interesting. Give it a try. I'm listening.

Leave me an anonymous comment pouring your heart out.

Say anything. Tell me your stories, your secrets, those things no one ever asks but you wish to tell. Tell me about your love, your hate, your indifference, your joy. Tell me about what's inside of you when you're reading through these entries on your friends list, and tell me why you continue to come back here. Tell me anything. Tell me what you really think of me or yourself. Anything.

Post anonymously [by selecting the anonymous box]. Speak honestly, because there isn't any censure here. Post as many times as you like. One faceless wonder to another.

Drinking cinnamon apple chamomile tea with honey.
Listening to good music.
Can't get much better than that.
Nom.

Random Facts of the day:

( Behind the Cut. )

While attempting to find something pretty with which to decorate my livejournal, I came across this. I want one! NOW!

Rainbow door for the win! :D



**Link to info about it**